So day two of my liquid fast. I refuse to let myself feel tired, i'm not allowed to feel weak. People fast for weeks before they get tired, i dont deserve to be feeling faint yet and lets face it its not like im gonna last long. Till thursday if im lucky, seeing as a) i've never passed the 5th day and b) friday and saturday im spending all day with my best friend and i know im gonna break down in front of her an stuff my face.
i wonder if its safe to do the salt water flush for a number of days, im planning to do it today and tomorrow. hmm.. probably not, but oh well, i just want to be clean.
I dont know whether to sleep tonight or not. I was planning on no sleep today, sleep wednesday , no sleep thursday, sleep friday etc. but i'm probably gonna go to bed tonight.
Fat, fat, fat. im so tired of it, tired and frustrated with everyone and everything. Im screwing up my relationship with my family and my friends. After saturday im not going to speak or see anyone i know and then come september 6th (first day of school) i walk in and BAM! all jaws drop, all eyes on me and i have the biggest grin on my face as i make my way across the classroom weighing 95lb (hopefully)
I just hope i can keep up and not fall off track, i just hope that i wont fall for the trap and lose all my control.
Anyways 50 days to go including to go, pray for me
Ali x
Tuesday 13 July 2010
Monday 12 July 2010
Diet coke + Late nights = Ramble, ramble, ramble
hfkjasdhfjk ahh letters, not that many of them but damn they can crate thousands of words and phrases and can affect people in various ways... ahh they joy of speaking i guess you would call.
Jesus im so hyper, i've had a ton of diet coke and im now in the mood to write write write. So i must apologize now as i WILL ramble on about god knows what.
So yeah hmmm.. lifey... wifey... blimey... hehe ahh i laugh at pretty much anything.
OH guess what i didnt binge today, or eat in general. Super happy bout that although scared about the next two days, i hope i do well. I want to i really do. i just argh i dont know. Im scared ill fall off track, im scared it will all go wrong. It better not, i cant mess up. I just cant.
Anyone read pride and prejudice? if so how long did it take you to read it and if its a hardish book to read cause i need to read it for my english class next year
Speaking of books im reading Wasted, one word fucking amazing... okay that was two but i had to. Anyways as i was saying its beyond amazing, its so good i love it although im saving it for when i go to Lithuania, to my nana's for a month so i'll save it and finish it then. Anyone know of any good books, something like a memoir or something like that, i like books that are personal, preferably something about someone with many problems. Problematic people are awesome
anyways i better get to beds now its already 12:10 and i need to get at least some sleep if i can
Ali x
Jesus im so hyper, i've had a ton of diet coke and im now in the mood to write write write. So i must apologize now as i WILL ramble on about god knows what.
So yeah hmmm.. lifey... wifey... blimey... hehe ahh i laugh at pretty much anything.
OH guess what i didnt binge today, or eat in general. Super happy bout that although scared about the next two days, i hope i do well. I want to i really do. i just argh i dont know. Im scared ill fall off track, im scared it will all go wrong. It better not, i cant mess up. I just cant.
Anyone read pride and prejudice? if so how long did it take you to read it and if its a hardish book to read cause i need to read it for my english class next year
Speaking of books im reading Wasted, one word fucking amazing... okay that was two but i had to. Anyways as i was saying its beyond amazing, its so good i love it although im saving it for when i go to Lithuania, to my nana's for a month so i'll save it and finish it then. Anyone know of any good books, something like a memoir or something like that, i like books that are personal, preferably something about someone with many problems. Problematic people are awesome
anyways i better get to beds now its already 12:10 and i need to get at least some sleep if i can
Ali x
Salt water flush and my faux tidy room
Today was rather good, well if 3 hours of sleep means good then yeah today was brilliant lol.
Note to yoiu: Salt Water Flush- My new hero, tis bloody amazing. I mean sure it makes you crap everything out of the system, but think about it, being clean and empty... ahh amazing AND it works within an hour! so to anyone intrested comment and ill give more details about it.
I need to tidy my room. A tad odd. but its true, well my room is clean its just i sorta stuffed my wardrobes full of crap so i need to find some time to sort it out.
OH if anyone can help me it would make my day.. well its night time now so it would make my night. anyways, Im having a sleepover with my best friend on friday and im spending ALL of friday and saturday with her and how can i avoid being tempted by food, as im a social eater so if theres food around i will eat. Thats how much control i have no wonder bulimia has played a big part in my life. Its getting worst now i cant even go downstairs cause somehow i end up in the kitchen, stuffing my face. So now day in day out im in my room or bathroom shitting myself from the SWF (sorry for being so graphic, but tbh its the truth)
So yeah, if anyone can help me how to control myself i would be most grateful.
Note to yoiu: Salt Water Flush- My new hero, tis bloody amazing. I mean sure it makes you crap everything out of the system, but think about it, being clean and empty... ahh amazing AND it works within an hour! so to anyone intrested comment and ill give more details about it.
I need to tidy my room. A tad odd. but its true, well my room is clean its just i sorta stuffed my wardrobes full of crap so i need to find some time to sort it out.
OH if anyone can help me it would make my day.. well its night time now so it would make my night. anyways, Im having a sleepover with my best friend on friday and im spending ALL of friday and saturday with her and how can i avoid being tempted by food, as im a social eater so if theres food around i will eat. Thats how much control i have no wonder bulimia has played a big part in my life. Its getting worst now i cant even go downstairs cause somehow i end up in the kitchen, stuffing my face. So now day in day out im in my room or bathroom shitting myself from the SWF (sorry for being so graphic, but tbh its the truth)
So yeah, if anyone can help me how to control myself i would be most grateful.
Sunday 11 July 2010
Just a Hello
Well I'm new, so this will probably be either pointless as no one will read this or rather awkward as i don't actually know what to write. So yeah...
I guess i should star with introducing myself. Well my name is Ali, I'm 15 and like any other teenager i have problems. Not anything new, most of my problems are nothing compared to what others are forced to go through every day, with lifestyles that force people into poverty and they don't deserve that at all. So yes i understand most of my whining and rambling on about how im depressed etc. will be just the same old thing every ordinary 15 year old goes through. As no on is going to read this, its mostly for me, to make me a bit more aware of myself an to let me understand what the hell is wrong with me and why i act the way i do, i guess that's why I'm on this 'blog'.
Back to introducing myself. I live in south-east London, attend and all girls school. I have a ton of really odd phobias such as a fear of puddles, yes puddles and small children and animals as i am terrified they will attack me as i cant understand them.
Also well i hate myself, nothing new i guess its just i hate me, i hate the way i am, the way i look, everything. Not surprising i have been dealing with various types of self harming for over 6 years now. i never know whats wrong, when i think about it, i don't know what the problem is, why i cut my self etc. its just like something takes over me i guess, like a part of me deep down is holding onto something and is in pain but im just not aware of what it actually is.
On this 'blog', and yes i will keep putting it in the little comma things because the idea of me actually writing one is super strange. anyways back to the point, i will be writing this so that i could also keep track of my food intake. i know you will all start telling me that there's no need for that and that its dumb or whatever but i just need this, i have to do this or else i feel so empty and anyways lately I've been off track and i feel so shit with myself that if i don't get back on track I'm scared that i will never be happy.
So yeah that's a very brief introduction and i will be hoping to update every day or so, seeing as im on summer holidays now, and hopefully you al, doubt anyone will ready this but if you do hope you all get to know me better over the upcoming posts.
Ali x
I guess i should star with introducing myself. Well my name is Ali, I'm 15 and like any other teenager i have problems. Not anything new, most of my problems are nothing compared to what others are forced to go through every day, with lifestyles that force people into poverty and they don't deserve that at all. So yes i understand most of my whining and rambling on about how im depressed etc. will be just the same old thing every ordinary 15 year old goes through. As no on is going to read this, its mostly for me, to make me a bit more aware of myself an to let me understand what the hell is wrong with me and why i act the way i do, i guess that's why I'm on this 'blog'.
Back to introducing myself. I live in south-east London, attend and all girls school. I have a ton of really odd phobias such as a fear of puddles, yes puddles and small children and animals as i am terrified they will attack me as i cant understand them.
Also well i hate myself, nothing new i guess its just i hate me, i hate the way i am, the way i look, everything. Not surprising i have been dealing with various types of self harming for over 6 years now. i never know whats wrong, when i think about it, i don't know what the problem is, why i cut my self etc. its just like something takes over me i guess, like a part of me deep down is holding onto something and is in pain but im just not aware of what it actually is.
On this 'blog', and yes i will keep putting it in the little comma things because the idea of me actually writing one is super strange. anyways back to the point, i will be writing this so that i could also keep track of my food intake. i know you will all start telling me that there's no need for that and that its dumb or whatever but i just need this, i have to do this or else i feel so empty and anyways lately I've been off track and i feel so shit with myself that if i don't get back on track I'm scared that i will never be happy.
So yeah that's a very brief introduction and i will be hoping to update every day or so, seeing as im on summer holidays now, and hopefully you al, doubt anyone will ready this but if you do hope you all get to know me better over the upcoming posts.
Ali x
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